Wed. Oct 4th, 2023

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Citing “unfortunate economic realities,” Clarence Thomas is hiking the price of Supreme Court decisions to keep up with inflation.

The jurist disclosed his new rate card in a mass e-mail sent to more than a hundred super-donors.

“I have tried to keep my prices reasonable, but, as inflation proves more stubborn than predicted, I have no choice but to adjust my rates accordingly,” he wrote.

“Sadly, the days of shredding civil rights in exchange for ten private-jet flights are over,” he added.

It remains to be seen whether the billionaires who received Thomas’s e-mail will tolerate his steeper prices or whether they will explore a budget option such as Neil Gorsuch.

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